don’t be scared
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45.01~ gas pumps
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.