Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Saturday
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*