Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
We all have our pet causes.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
