Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
lmfao
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir