Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.