Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then