Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

I think this might be relevant today.

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

This kid is going places

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic