Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
relationship goals
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.