Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
How all things should be taught/explained.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*