Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
This came to me in a dream.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”