Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
buys donuts instead
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.