Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
the greatest twitter interaction
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.