Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
This is a true ally.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!