Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!