” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
You Might Also Like
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.