” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Already got one
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.