Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.