Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes