Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

i meant to share this earlier

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.

I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:

“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.