Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for