Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
You Might Also Like
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Passwords are more important than ever.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”