Don’t beat an alive horse either.
You Might Also Like
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
peak technology
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I love the National Park Service.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.