Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

A completely valid reaction tbh

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.