Don’t beat an alive horse either.
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Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.