Don’t beat an alive horse either.
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Me buying fruit and veg
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.