Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.

You really can’t make this stuff up.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.