Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

this has to be peak English

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

channeling her this year

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that