Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Heroic Misunderstanding
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity