Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert