Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”