Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I beg your pardon?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Why is everyone getting married at me
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please