Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

Worth the read.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

describing stardew valley

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.