Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands

Therapist: You too?

Me: [screams]

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?