Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”
“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
🤣🤣🤣
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
