Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

Good morning, Twitter x

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.