Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?