Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten