Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL