Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

The best plant holders?

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.