Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.