Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I don’t know what to do
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.