“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
@funTweeters
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.