“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
😅🤣😂
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.