“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
This is my favorite one of these!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*