“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
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“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)