Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
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[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug