Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
You Might Also Like
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!