Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
You Might Also Like
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die