Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Extremely relatable.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.