Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*