Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.