Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Oh thanks BBC.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.