Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.