Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time