Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.