Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
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Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!