Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

I hope this email punches you square in the face

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.