Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

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Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.