Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Wait a second…
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%