don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
You Might Also Like
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
how much for the angry fruit?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.