don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
so much to do
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[shakes fist at other fist]
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Noah
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants