don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
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*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern