don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.