Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
(2022)
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.