Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

$4 #usedbooks

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

that lip filler tho

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”