Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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rich people when they have to pay taxes
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
ugh not again
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed