Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My work here is done
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too