Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You Might Also Like
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?