Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.