Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Check your privilege
