Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
*pokes sex life with a stick
🤣🤣🤣
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars